"In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe. Not only is this an impossible goal, but it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth. When you private world feels unsteady and you grip My hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence on Me."
Both of these excerpts come from Sarah Young's Jesus Calling, a daily devotional I've been following for a few months now. As I was sitting in Starbucks the other morning, I read through both of these passages and they both gave me reason to stop and think.
I've been trying to make an effort this break to slow down, turn off my phone and computer, and honestly listen for what's next. The coming months bring about so much transition; transition that, at this point, I am barely able to wrap my brain around. But it is coming, and with each passing day I am one step closer to graduating, saying goodbye, and starting the next chapter. As I am beginning to make decisions and form a clearer picture of 2012, I want to listen for what's next. Where am I being called? What will this all look like? Where will God use me? Where does He want me? Oh, how I want to listen. As I sat in Starbucks the other morning, I couldn't help but take Sarah Young's words to heart.
Risk and dependence. That's really what we're talking about, right?
I want to be the kind of person who grows in dependence. I want my life to be marked by dependence; to be a woman who daily depends on the provision of her Savior. Every day. My whole life. Dependence. After reading Sarah's words and thinking for a few minutes, it makes sense that having an opportunity to grow in dependence can't come without risk.
I think back to when I first became a Young Life leader. The first time I went to an event at GBS, it was honestly to help Heather. I thought, oh sure I'll just help my new and cool roomie this one time because they need extra hands. And go figure, a few short weeks later I was on a bus to Fall Weekend, leading a cabin of girls. I knew nothing about Young Life, nothing about being a leader. I took a risk and jumped in head first. And here I am, a year and a few months later, daily reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness. Grateful and humbled by the opportunity to tell high schoolers that there is something more to life.
The decision to lead high school girls has transformed by heart and mind and soul. But I didn't just jump in and love it right away. There were a few months in the beginning, when I barely knew what Young Life Club was and didn't know any kids ... I thought I had taken on too much. I would never be able to handle it all. I wasn't good enough to be a leader, because I didn't have my own life figured out (in my opinion, that's one of the biggest misconceptions about being involved in ministry and leadership). I asked questions like, how can I possibly relate to high schoolers? Talk to them? Lead them? Show them Jesus? Let alone speak in front of them? Or plan club? Or go to their football games and choir concerts? Too much. I think I threw out phrases like "I'm just so overwhelmed" and "I don't know what I'm doing" on a more than consistent basis during my first few months of leading.
And it was in those moments, those early and fragile and scary moments, where I felt so alive. They were months that allowed me to recognize my own humanity, my own inability, and my deep need for God's hand in the risk I was taking; His strength, His courage, His guidance, His peace. It was in those early months of leading that I got the truest and most real sense of dependence. That I cannot do this - any of this - on my own.
I am now at a place where I love leading. I have seen God move in big and powerful and very real ways in the past year, both in my life and in the lives of high schoolers. What I have given to the ministry pales in comparison to all that I have received, and for that I am so grateful.
As I am sitting here, contemplating what's next, I am holding tight to the words of Sarah Young and my first months as a Young Life leader. Growing in dependence can only come with taking risks. As I think about the next year, and begin to pave the way for what will happen, I want to take risks. Risks that are challenging and uncomfortable, yet still tangible. Risks that will make me become more dependent on Jesus, the Giver of Life.
I want to ask myself, what's next? Is it risky? Risky enough to be unknown and challenging, yet still tangible? How do I want to grow in this? Will I grow in dependence? Does this have potential to push me upward, toward God? Who am I becoming in the midst of changes and choices?
I encourage you to think through similar questions on risk and dependence as you venture into whatever is next.
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