fearless.

Blogging is really hard for me. Have I ever told you that? It's really hard, consistently challenging me to work through the dark and unsettling truths about myself that I absolutely avoid working through. I mean, who really likes working through insecurity and self-doubt and self-esteem issues? Certainly not me. Regardless, these are the deeply rooted and painful issues that have followed me around my whole life. Heavy for a blog introduction, isn't it? Over and over and over again I've felt the weight of believing I am not good enough. In relationships. In my family. In my schoolwork. Leading Young Life. Should I really be surprised that writing a blog has been another area of my life that's challenging me to push through thinking that I am not good enough?

Every time I write a post, I go back and reread. I tell myself this is proofreading, but it's not. It's questioning, why did I post this? Who would anyone want to read it? Why did I even bother? Why do I think I'm a good writer? I toy with taking down my posts, thinking that they really aren't that good and no one wants to read them anyway. I convince myself, time and time again, that what I have to say isn't valuable, isn't worth being heard, isn't enough. Somehow, I am always able to convince myself that I'm not good enough, in just about every facet of my life. Believing that I am not enough has affected countless relationships, causing pain, frustration, and tension with people that I care about deeply and never intend to hurt. This way of thinking is the root of attention-seeking behavior. It's the birthplace of fishing-for-compliments and self-deprecating comments. Heck, thinking I am not enough is what's kept me a safe and extremely cautious distance from dating for so long. Believing that I am not good enough has affected far too many seasons and places and people and experiences in my life.

I can say with confidence and a smile that the past year has brought so much transformation in that way of thinking. I've been forced to confront the lies that I believe about myself. It's a lie to believe that I am not good enough. It's a lie to believe that I don't have value. Leading Young Life and living in Bethesda and Heather and Sam and Johanna and friendships with many other loving people have challenged me to see that I am good enough. I am worthy. I am worth being heard and I am valued. Summer staff challenged me in that immensely. Italy gave me space to process that. Prayer and reading the Bible and yearning for God's comfort and voice and truth have been at the center of that process. It's been messy, as learning and growing are always messy. Although I've grown in this past season, believing the lie that I'm not good enough is still a constant struggle. But now more than ever, I can say and believe the truth that my story must be told. I have sometime to say, and it's worth being heard. Daily, writing this blog challenges me in that.

My story must be told. Your story must be told, too. I've blogged about that before, but it's just so poignant. When we tell our stories, we're telling God's story. And that deserves to be told over and over and over again. There's power and impact and weight that comes with sharing our stories. Our stories have immense value and worth and deserve to be told. I want that truth to sink into my soul in the deepest places. I want to live and act out of that. I want that for you, too.

At my core, I want to be the kind of person who is fearless. I want to be fearless in sharing my story. I want to be bold and courageous and audacious and unashamed about the words I have to say. I want to be the kind of person who is real and transparent and vulnerable and honest about my story and my truth and my perspective. I want to make no more apologies for the way I am. This is who I am. I am encouraging and sensitive and a question-asker. I am welcoming and compassionate and thoughtful and full of smiles. I am not good at arguing and I don't like messes. I'm not complete and certainly don't have my life figured out. This is who I am. I don't want to apologize for it anymore. I don't want to hide and believe the lie that who I am isn't good enough and isn't worth sharing with the world. I want to boldly, courageously, and fearlessly share my story. My perspective. My truth.

I think the first step is to press the "publish post" button and not look back. No "proofreading." No second guessing. My words are good enough. My story must be told. 


How do you tell your story? Are you fearless in telling it? What kind of person do you want to be?