new questions, new prayers.

At the risk of sounding stupid, and annoying, and like a typical girl, and possibly desperate ... I've avoided writing this post for awhile. But lately, I've felt convicted of sharing. I talk on this blog about how everyone has a story. A story full of excitement and hope and laughter and hard and broken and exhausted. But a story that is worth being told. At the risk of sounding like a desperate girl I'm going to share my story, because if even one person reads this and gets something out of it, that's enough for me.

I want a boyfriend. There. I said it. Weight lifted. Sooooo, if you're single ... hit me up. I'm kidding, of course. Not about the wanting a boyfriend part. But about the single men of Chicago hitting me up on my blog part.

In case you were wondering (and even if you weren't), I'm 22 years old. I haven't dated a boy my entire college experience; partly by choice, partly by circumstance. And all of that is fine, I'm embracing it as a part of my story, but there's a part of me that wonders, questions, imagines. All around me, it seems like people my age are married, engaged, seriously dating. Certainly not everyone around me, but enough for me to take notice and eagerly ask, when's my turn? 

I'm certainly not ashamed at my yearning for a boyfriend. This week at church, we talked about creation, about the garden, about Adam and Eve. About how we were created for relationship, both with God and with the people in our lives. Men and women were created for relationship. Desiring and yearning for that companionship, I think, is normal (I'm sure there are entire books written on this topic, and I can't even begin to scratch the surface). But in my opinion, there's no shame in yearning for the companionship that we were created for.

There is, however, shame for the ways I have thought about, questioned, and prayed for this type of relationship in my life. As much as I try to fight against it, I find myself asking God lots of wrong questions about boys. I find myself asking things like ... When will this happen for me? How will it happen? You know that I want it to happen, right? Preferably yesterday would have been nice. Can you make sure he's at least 6'3? Can you just give me a sign? Can I at least meet him? What if it's that guy in Chiptole? What if it's that guy at church? What if it's someone in Hong Kong and I never meet him? Can you make sure he's really funny? How long will you make me wait? Can you just send me a boyfriend, or for that matter, a husband? And if possible, could you FedEx him? I hear they have a good overnight rate. 

Ok, some of those might have been slight over-exaggerations, but I think you got my point. As much as I hate to admit it, those are the types of questions I have been asking God about a boyfriend. My questions and my prayers are centered on the when, the how, the where, the what ifs, and the conditions. For so, so many reasons, I think these are the wrong questions. 

I want to stop asking the wrong questions, and start asking the right ones. And I think the right questions have less to do with other person and more to do with myself. 

I want to stop asking God when and how and what if, and start asking ... who am I becoming? Am I growing into the most authentic, most genuine Erin Claxton that I can possibly be? Am I growing into the woman You created me to be? Am I seeking Your heart and Your guidance as I make decisions that are forming the next chapter of my life? Am I allowing myself to grow in dependence - especially on Your timing? Am I allowing myself to grow in Christ's image? Will You transform me into the best girlfriend, best wife that I can possibly be? 

As I was typing that out just now, I thought about how self-centered it might seem. And then I thought I needed to explain myself. Quick. I am not trying to say that in order to get a boyfriend, you need to do a bunch of self-centered, self-help related things. But the way I've come to think of it is this: instead of asking and wondering and wasting time thinking about what if and when and how will it happen, I want to use this meantime to become the most authentic, most genuine, mostly truthful and deep person I can become.

When I stop asking the wrong questions and start asking the right ones, I am freed up to earnestly and thoughtfully and genuinely pray about a relationship. I can stop asking God to send me the right man, and I can pray that He will make me the right woman. That way, when a man finally comes knockin' down my door ... I'll be ready.


What questions are you asking about dating? Do you think they are the right questions?